I'm hoping to get some of that need for control out of my system before I have kids. I've been grappling with it just by having pets. When I got my cat, Mango, back in May 2021, I had unrealistic expectations about training him -- not that I wanted him to do tricks, but I figured I could get him to behave in certain ways easily enough.
I tried putting him in a harness and taking him for walks, but the outside world terrified him. I tried keeping the harness on him indoors so he'd get used to it, I moved his food dish to the door so he'd get used to the smells and sounds outside, but nothing worked.
When I got Mango, he was pretty chunky, so I tried feeding him small meals throughout the day so that he wouldn't gorge himself and then beg for more food. This seemed to backfire, as he would only nibble a bit at a time. I was baffled.
He didn't scratch furniture, but he would sometimes scratch the carpet, and he didn't scratch me, but he would sometimes bite my hand gently when I pet him. I decided this could not stand, and any time I caught him doing either, I sprayed him with a bottle to discourage the behavior. This didn't work either.
Eventually I realized that a lot of the stuff I wanted him to do was just wrong. I eventually learned that most cats are good at self-regulating and will just eat when they get hungry, so I could just fill his bowl whenever it was empty and save myself a lot of time. I also came to realize that scratching the carpet was his way of telling me he wanted me to open the bedroom door, so I just started leaving the door open instead of insisting that my cat never ever scratch the carpet under any circumstances. And so what if he bit a little? It was never painful, it was just his way of telling me to go away, so did I really need to get mad and spray him with water? What kind of loser gets mad at a cat?
In the same way, I eventually realized that Mango would never be a cat who liked going on walks. If I wanted that, I should've got a dog instead. In fact, it was probably good that he didn't like being outside! He's an indoor cat! If he's scared of the outdoors, that makes it less likely that I'll open the front door and see my cat bolt outside, never to be seen again!
Overall, I came to realize that I had an unhealthy need to make Mango do things my way, instead of celebrating the good things that came prepackaged. He was extremely soft! He loved people and he instantly trusted visitors! He didn't scratch furniture! He loved to play with string! This was the World's Best Cat, and I wanted him to conform to my own arbitrary expectations? What was I thinking?
Recently we got a puppy and it's been a more intense refresher of this lesson, because he's big and rowdy and dogs are just trainable enough that I delude myself into thinking I have control. I'm glad I've had this opportunity to recognize this tendency in myself and try to temper it, because you really can't control children, and getting angry at them doesn't magically make them behave, it just makes you a grown man who's beefing with a toddler.
I'm hoping to get some of that need for control out of my system before I have kids. I've been grappling with it just by having pets. When I got my cat, Mango, back in May 2021, I had unrealistic expectations about training him -- not that I wanted him to do tricks, but I figured I could get him to behave in certain ways easily enough.
I tried putting him in a harness and taking him for walks, but the outside world terrified him. I tried keeping the harness on him indoors so he'd get used to it, I moved his food dish to the door so he'd get used to the smells and sounds outside, but nothing worked.
When I got Mango, he was pretty chunky, so I tried feeding him small meals throughout the day so that he wouldn't gorge himself and then beg for more food. This seemed to backfire, as he would only nibble a bit at a time. I was baffled.
He didn't scratch furniture, but he would sometimes scratch the carpet, and he didn't scratch me, but he would sometimes bite my hand gently when I pet him. I decided this could not stand, and any time I caught him doing either, I sprayed him with a bottle to discourage the behavior. This didn't work either.
Eventually I realized that a lot of the stuff I wanted him to do was just wrong. I eventually learned that most cats are good at self-regulating and will just eat when they get hungry, so I could just fill his bowl whenever it was empty and save myself a lot of time. I also came to realize that scratching the carpet was his way of telling me he wanted me to open the bedroom door, so I just started leaving the door open instead of insisting that my cat never ever scratch the carpet under any circumstances. And so what if he bit a little? It was never painful, it was just his way of telling me to go away, so did I really need to get mad and spray him with water? What kind of loser gets mad at a cat?
In the same way, I eventually realized that Mango would never be a cat who liked going on walks. If I wanted that, I should've got a dog instead. In fact, it was probably good that he didn't like being outside! He's an indoor cat! If he's scared of the outdoors, that makes it less likely that I'll open the front door and see my cat bolt outside, never to be seen again!
Overall, I came to realize that I had an unhealthy need to make Mango do things my way, instead of celebrating the good things that came prepackaged. He was extremely soft! He loved people and he instantly trusted visitors! He didn't scratch furniture! He loved to play with string! This was the World's Best Cat, and I wanted him to conform to my own arbitrary expectations? What was I thinking?
Recently we got a puppy and it's been a more intense refresher of this lesson, because he's big and rowdy and dogs are just trainable enough that I delude myself into thinking I have control. I'm glad I've had this opportunity to recognize this tendency in myself and try to temper it, because you really can't control children, and getting angry at them doesn't magically make them behave, it just makes you a grown man who's beefing with a toddler.